Our kids are continuously learning about the world around them and we are continuously learning about how to best respond to their needs. With learning comes a lot of uncertainty and with uncertainty often comes fear. Here are some ways to deal with fear during this spooky season and all year round.
Identify It
Give it a name. Even if you don’t know what you’re afraid of, simply call it out as fear. When abstract things like fears are given a name, they become smaller and more tangible. Kids don’t come into the world knowing how to name emotions, so we can help them by putting language around how they might be feeling. Acknowledge the fear first (“It looks like you might be scared”) and then work towards getting more specific about the type of fear or what is causing it (“Did the barking dog scare you?”).
Empathize
Children, new to the world and its challenges, don’t have the experience to know that things are going to work out. Sharing that you feel scared sometimes or telling stories about fears you had as a child normalizes fear and further opens up the dialogue. They are usually surprised that an adult- especially their amazing mom or dad- could be afraid of anything! Try to listen without being distracted or dismissive, and anticipate having the conversation more than once to help them fully process their thoughts and feelings.
Encourage
Literally put courage into your kids. This world is full of uncertainty—there is no guarantee that things will work out just how we want. This is when courage is necessary. We teach kids how to be courageous when we show them we believe in them and are realistic about the challenge at hand. Yes, they may fail, but what makes us proud is their effort in spite of their fear. Courage doesn’t mean not being afraid, but being afraid and doing it anyway.
Reflect
Review with them that they were afraid, but then they had courage to try and they did it! Even if it didn’t go well – they fell down, they couldn’t finish all they way, or whatever happened, the victory was in the courage to try. And that is what you are proud of. You can work out how to improve, but emphasis is always on the courage to try. Nothing beats fear like being afraid and doing it anyway. After all, fear is not going to go away, but it can be overcome.
Review with them that they were afraid, but then they had courage to try and they did it! Even if it didn’t go well – they fell down, they couldn’t finish all they way, or whatever happened, the victory was in the courage to try. And that is what you are proud of. You can work out how to improve, but emphasis is always on the courage to try. Nothing beats fear like being afraid and doing it anyway. After all, fear is not going to go away, but it can be overcome.
Don’t forget of course that we should be afraid of things that will harm us so protect your kids from harm or challenges that they are just not ready for of course! Remember, fear is at every turn so you will have to use these steps over and over again. The more you use it, the more it becomes a habit, and you will one day be surprised when your kids are doing it for themselves and for others.
Much like those Halloween decorations and masks, so much of fear is an illusion. Identify it. Call it out. Empathize by sharing your fears. Encourage your kids to be bold. Remember and reflect – you’ve conquered fear before.
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